Being serious, deep and intellectual too soon: anti-sexy potion?

There’s something I’ve wondered about for some time: is the exchange of deep ideas and general intellectual discourse with men a buzzkiller?

I’ve noticed that some guys love to talk about the nuances of public policy, financial theories, and all sorts of other deep thoughts in the very first conversation they have with you.

It seems tricky to know how to respond to that in the first conversation! I definitely have shared deep thoughts with a guy I’ve been seeing for a while, and gotten into some spirited (but fun!) debates.

But with someone you just met? For some guys, the Economist’s latest articles are their life and that’s what they like to talk about.

But I wonder if many of those guys then wonder, “Why don’t I meet any girls I like?” Probably because the girls made a mistake I made:

they were too serious, deep and intellectual too soon.

It kills the attraction for some reason. From being a hot and/or cute girl they noticed and checked out, who was friendly and sweet when exchanging basically intro. information… a girl turns into yet another college/work girl/random girl he competes with in class.

It’s not sexy… some ideas I have on how to respond when guys ask questions like, “Do you think western civilization is on the decline?” and other such questions within minutes of first meeting:

– Express genuine sort of surprise at such a deep question… get quiet and sort of make a sexy motion like sort of looking up or twirling your hair like you are thinking about it (which you are, you’re thinking how to not let this conversation get un-sexy!). Eventually he might start talking about his ideas on the matter or change the subject to something lighter
– Look thoughtful and say, “Wow, what a question… I’m not sure!” If you dare, you might ask what he thinks… if you’re worried he’ll spend the next 15 minutes of your precious time basically lecturing you on his ideas maybe you can not bother asking what he thinks and hope changes the subject lol
– If he starts sharing his ideas, maybe let him do that and just sort of listen politely and make one or two simple comments like, “Oh, interesting” (unless you happen to find what he says really exciting, then maybe ask a few more questions because if it’s fun why not!). Then get distracted but in a polite way… don’t check your phone or look over his shoulder wildly, but maybe start looking down or twirling your hair or getting a blank look…
– If the topic is something you’re interested in, be careful to not get too deep too soon… you want to leave him wanting more conversation (later) and you want to avoid seeming like “one of the guys” that he talks about serious boring topics with. Even the most hardened of intellectuals usually have a side that still yearns for that feminine softness. How that feminine softness manifests itself will attract different types of guys, but ultimately they don’t want to marry a manly woman.
– Above all costs, do NOT come across as putting down his ideas, mocking his ideas, being sarcastic about his ideas, or like a know-it-all! I have some very intelligent friends who are basically on the future intellectuals and thought leaders track (those World Bank, UN, etc. people). And with the American-born ones I’ve noticed that they will come across as so domineering and like, challenging to men when talking about their subject areas and not in a good way. Men will like a girl who presents her ideas without putting his down.

These are my beginner ideas that I myself really need to implement too! 🙂

8 Responses to “Being serious, deep and intellectual too soon: anti-sexy potion?”

  1. Firepower Says:

    YOU were “too serious, deep and intellectual too soon”?

    lol were you wearing your aubergine Manolo Stilettos?

  2. Default User Says:

    This dynamic is one that works the same for men and women. Too much intellectual talk can kill attraction or “the buzz.” ALthough a little can be good.

    Move the conversation away from the ideas themselves to his passion for them. Ask him how he became interested in economics, public policy or whatever his topic is.

    However, if you are genuinely interested you can always get him to explain his ideas. It can be nice for a man to educate a woman on a topic he is interested in. That said, he (or you) should probably try and move the conversation to more friendly/emotional/fun topics. A bit of intellectual conversation can be good, as it shows you both have depth.

    • lovelysexybeauty Says:

      Great advice, as always! I guess for both parties there has to be a common level of interest in the conversation… and it has to be done in fun and sexy way. And hearing anyone talk about their passion is always sexy 😉

  3. Good conversation advice « Sophisticus Says:

    […] Published June 26, 2009 seduction community Leave a Comment This is good conversation advice: “Move the conversation away from the ideas themselves to his passion for them. Ask him how […]

  4. Unimpressed Says:

    I couldn’t disagree more. Whether they are male or female, if a person finds intelligence in their partner or interest to be intimidating regardless of how early in the conversation this intelligence is revealed, they are not right for one other. Clearly. You should never lower yourself to attract a mate. This is quite possibly the worse relationship advice I’ve ever read, and it comes as no surprise that most people have no idea how to be themselves truly with their partner BECAUSE of this kind of soul-sucking idiocy.

  5. gerald Says:


    Great post… I run in some academic circles but this is something that is a HUGE turn off for me in girls. Yes I get it, you are not the average girl, you are smarter than most… but seriously. I don’t want to hear you talk about it all the time! It is very much a “colleague” thing… it is nice that you can go on that level, but I have seen several females that can never turn it off. What it comes off to me is trying too hard and one dimensional. There is a time and place for that conversation, but it shouldn’t be EVERY conversation.

    Especially when you go off trying to explain theories to me like you are talking down to me or giving a lecture or that you found new info that needs explaining… I went to a so called “elite” university so please kill it with the lead ups in explaining theories and time periods and all that, save that for other people or maybe your parents who will sit and let you ramble. It isn’t attractive! And you can actually let yourself come off as pretentious as well, because you never truly know the other persons background, what they have read also, etc.

    Worse is as you say, when you try to lead them into not talking about it, like saying “oh interesting”… yet they KEEP rambling on for minutes or sending like 10 paragraph babbling emails.

    Complete buzz kill. If I want the intellectual conversation, I will get it elsewhere, from colleagues, or in a book… I don’t need it YET again with a female, when I am just trying to have some fun. Again, time and a place for it.

    This isn’t to say that somebody smart isn’t sexy, but I don’t want to hear you ramble all the time either.

  6. Bill Trevor Says:

    “Express genuine sort of surprise at such a deep question… get quiet and sort of make a sexy motion like sort of looking up or twirling your hair like you are thinking about it… Look thoughtful and say, “Wow, what a question… I’m not sure!” If you dare, you might ask what he thinks…maybe start looking down or twirling your hair or getting a blank look”

    I agree that sometimes people can get too caught up in intellectual and serious topics, and it can make you seem a little boring or one-sided. But I totally disagree with the idea that girls should start twirling their hair and pretending not to have opinions. If a girl is intellectual and enjoys deep conversations, I really don’t think she should pretend not to. I think the key for intellectual people of either gender is to make sure it doesn’t become the main topic of discussion too early on at the expense of other things. Share some opinions, engage with the other person, but then move the topic along to something that’s a bit less serious.

    In a partner, I want an equal. I don’t want someone who is too stupid to engage with me on a deep level. I also want someone who can engage with me on a more lighthearted level too, which is why I think there needs to be a balance. If you’re a smart girl who loves deep conversations and the guy wants a brainless girl with no opinions, then you’re probably not right for him.

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