Good and Bad Experiences Dealing with the “Cave”

I have a post on GirlGame coming about men’s “cave” behavior, and how to interpret it. 

No, it’s not about men being just like Barney Rubble and Fred Flintstone. 🙂  It’s about when guys seem to disappear all of a sudden, or turn aloof.  Does he need some space or is he just not into you any more?

My Personal “Field-Test” Experiences:

Some of experiences trying to deal with the cave (not to be construed as advice please):

  • With a new guy (just a few dates): Ignored him generally.  Continued to date others, it wasn’t serious yet.  If he came back, usually gave one more chance.  If he continued to act shady (disappearing again and again, flaking, etc.), alarm bells – dropped him.  And often, if he snoozed too long, he lost out, sorry.
  • In an established relationship: Left him alone.  Texted/called casually after a few days. Tried to control the “hamster in my head” about things he said, that “prove” he is a big liar and was just out to use me.  (When he talked about ex-girlfriends and hot girls who like him, or when he teasingly “negged” me, for example.)  Tried hard to NOT overreact too quickly.  Set an internal time limit for when I would start dating others.  Sometimes found comfort though attention from other guys, smugly thinking how replaceable he is (bad hamster, bad bad!). 
  • Serious commitment: If a girl is in the middle of planning a wedding, just as an example, it can be incredibly painful to see her man disappear or seemingly avoid her.  If the relationship isn’t healthy, eventually someone would reach out angrily and eventually things ended.

4 Responses to “Good and Bad Experiences Dealing with the “Cave””

  1. Michael Says:

    Am thinking always only one of two reasons: 1. just not that into you or 2. calculated strategic move to make you more into him.

    Kind of like Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”, where the only two moves are attack and retreat, but in stacked combinations the possibilities are sophisticated and infinite.

    Not to be construed as advice please.

    • lovelysexybeauty Says:

      Hehe. Thanks Michael.

      Figuring out which of those two reasons applies is the hard part!

      My post on GG (should go up tonight/tomorrow morning) actually has one more possible reason: he just needs some “me time” or space. Nothing wrong with that… there’s an impression out there that men need more “time to be independent” than women do generally. I always accepted that as truth but maybe it’s not so much…

  2. Lost in His Cave, or Lost Interest in You? « Girl Game Says:

    […] brevity, I’ve discussed my “field-tested experiences” here. Almost always, if I reached out first and asked him why he disappeared, I’d eventually get […]

  3. Cat in the Hat Says:

    Okay I am in situation #2, established relationship but a bit of a weird situation. Guy was leaving to do a month of Army training out of state and stressed about a few things (nothing to do with me as far as I know) Great weekend together week before and he did VERY strong commitment things like disclose finances, plant a garden at my house and re arrange furniture. Distanced himself the week before leaving not responding to some txt or phone calls and got snarky the day he left (cancelled our date, txt “do we have to talk every day?”) Just claimed too busy nothing wrong. I reached out to him by txt 5 days later and he thanked me for my patience, called me sweetheart and told me it was still intense (long hours, little sleep). Left him alone for another week and a half, wished him happy fathers day and he wrote back thank you sweetheart and said things were going well. I didnt keep the txt going and neither did he.

    He comes back in 2 weeks. I know it isnt someone else but not talking for a month when we use to talk/txt on a regular basis is killing me! Hampster time totally! What do you recommend?

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