Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Mate Guarding Behavior: Men Don’t Care If You’re Married

January 26, 2011

Some interesting things in the mate-guarding arena with the hubby.  I love him as much as ever.

1. Guys will, of course, hit on me even with my big obvious wedding ring and semi-clingy behavior hanging on to my hubby’s arm (as I like to do, as much as he allows me to hehe).  My husband has seen these guys hit on me in front of his eyes, or just heard about it from others (e.g., when he slipped away to the bathroom). His reaction:

“Haha, I like it when people hit on my hot wife.”  Or something like that.  He just laughs it off.

If I watch him carefully from the corner of my eye, I notice him glare at the perps. sometimes. Establishing authority?

2. One of the most egregious incidents of a guy hitting on me in front of my husband’s face still confuses me to this day.

A group of us were sitting having drinks.  A guy of my ethnicity approaches our group.  One of his first remarks are to me and another girl, “What are beautiful women like you doing with guys like these?” The other girl, a bold blonde, is obviously more comfortable talking to strangers in bars, and gives a response about how we should ask what girls like us are doing talking to someone like him.

I’m just quiet because I don’t talk to completely random strangers like that, especially in a bar.  And it seems like giving a straight answer (“That’s my husband over there, we’re all just relaxing after a long day”) wouldn’t be the right thing to do.

So this guy then asks if I’m Indian, what type, etc. Talks to me a little in my language (on purpose I’m sure, to exclude my hubby along with other friends).  I’m a dorkette who gets excited to talk in my native language and can’t help but be friendly – the small talk I know how to make is polite and friendly in my language.  Didn’t learn much of the b*tchy curse words.

Everyone else is like, “What are you guys talking about?” Then the guy goes over to my husband who is sitting across from me and asks him something weird, like, “So what do you do?  I haven’t seen you over at XYZ hospital. I’m in orthopedics.”  Right, the guy I keep on looking at, that I’m probably “with” must be a doctor.  The only reason I would marry out is if the guy is a doctor… because I’m probably one too, right? (I wonder to myself if we have another angry “Why Do All Our Women Marry Out” type?  The sort of Indian guy who has bad luck with the Indian chicks he likes? Gee I wonder why…)

Hubby starts to seize back control of the situation, and gives a hilarious answer:  “I’m a manager.  Over down on Collins and XYZ.  The McDonalds.  If you ever need a job, call me.”  Something like that but funnier… everyone laughed..

Then Dr. Dork asks me in our language, “How do you know this guy? ” I reply in English, “We’re married! We actually got married just a few months ago!  We had a really fun wedding. Typical desi style.”  (I think part of me was trying to turn this into a normal polite conversation with a fellow desi… we Indians can all bond over wedding stories, right?)

The Dr. Dork turns back to my husband and asks, “How’d you get a girl like her?” And my hubby replies, “I got stuck with her man.  She trapped me… got pregnant.”  We all laugh.

Then the Dr. Dork has the audacity to walk over to me, put his HANDS on my stomach, and start to feel me up.  After a brief palpitation he utters, “Hey, you’re not pregnant.”  I look at him stunned, uh huh wha…(I don’t know why I didn’t just slap him immediately, I was really out of it and confused about what was happening.)

Dr. Dork must’ve seen the shocked expression on my face and says, “It’s OK, I’m a doctor.”  I finally snap to and snap back at him, “This isn’t a hospital room!”

My husband had enough, Dr. Dork had crossed the line. Still seated, my hubby’s tone is completely solemn.  “You need to get your hands off of my wife.  You come over here, you put your HANDS ON MY WIFE, you’re annoying us. You need to leave NOW.” (Something like that, hubby said it much better but this is the best I can remember from  the daze I was in.)

Someone who must be a friend of Dr. Dork now runs over and pulls him away, trying to apologize about him being “really drunk.”  The fact that Dr. Dork decided to pull such disrespect in front of not just one man, but an entire crew that included an ex-defensive lineman, made me think maybe he really was drunk. Bold stupidity.

After Dr. Dork was pulled away I immediately went over to my hubby, sat in his lap, snuggled up to him and held on tight. Eeeeks… Everyone was talking about the h*ll was that guy’s problem.  Who does that to a man’s WIFE?

I’m still not sure why I froze up when that guy touched me.  Why didn’t I slap his hand away? Why didn’t I realize he was being a douche and freeze him out when he first spoke?  Why did I try to assume a brotha from tha mothaland would be nice?

Having hubby around always has made me lazy… er, relaxed.  I feel so safe, protected,and sexy around him, I think I forget to put the “blocks” up to others.

3. I tried out for something that will give me a bit of media exposure, let’s just say, and got it.  Hubby has also gotten involved with this thing, but on a smaller scale, and in a different way than me.

I was planning on going to this activities related to this thing on my own, it’s tedious.  But hubby always comes along.  Even when he is completely slammed with work.  He will spend 5 hours of his day being there to semi-work on it as well.  When he is not needed to be there, really.  Although he does his own stuff on the side and will be on the phone pretty much the whole time (cell phones silent please, be d*mned).

It’s interesting, and I didn’t really expect it from him… although I kind of did. He’s not obvious about it, and he teases the h*ck out of me around everyone, when it comes up how we are married.  He’s the first to say how I look or sound like some sort of animal, etc.  He even flirts with the other girls (doing his “thing” in this project, of course).  (The others girls are less pretty so I’m not worried, ahaha.)

Interesting, interesting.

Getting into this little project thingy reminded me of Roissy’s post on, “Why You Shouldn’t Support Your Girlfriend’s Goals.”  I was like WTF when I got this opportunity… it is so like that! I was a little worried about my hubby getting weirded out, or not accepting it… but he never even gave an opinion of whether I should do it.  If anything, it will keep him enthralled… what guy doesn’t like a girl who’s a little bit “known” based on her looks, in part?  External validation of looks is always a good thing… it’s one thing to say you’re hot, it’s another to have a project/title/etc. to back it up.

A Lifetime of Love

January 25, 2011

One of the most touching stories about a man’s love I have ever read.

I hope to embody the characteristics of the woman who has inspired such devotion, respect, and affection. I hope to be this sort of wife to my husband.

From http://solomongroup.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/proverb-27-how-women-age-beautifully/:

 

Listen to me. A good woman ages beautifully. When I look at my wife, I see the most gorgeous woman in the universe. Her wrinkled hands got that way by keeping up with my two boys and working hard for them while I was on the road. The lines under her eyes are from years of shedding tears for me when I was at war, and those wrinkles on her brow are from decades of worry for me and my two sons. It was her legs they held on to when they were learning to walk, her lap was where they learned to read, and her breasts were their first nourishment. The first kiss those boys ever received was from her lips, and God willing, my last kiss will be from her lips.

You two don’t know what you’re missing – or maybe you do. But all I know is that she’s as beautiful, desirable, and lovely today as the day I met her, and I wouldn’t trade one second with her for a lifetime of rowdiness with one of those harlots you guys have waiting for you back home.

You two don’t know what beauty is. In a way, I feel sorry for both of you. I’m not getting on your case, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my own sons, it’s that women aren’t what they used to be.

The whole thing is just goddamn pathetic if you ask me.

Wow.  First, what a wise and intelligent man to see this sort of love.  Second, what an amazing and inspiring woman.

A Beautiful Love, a Beautiful Marriage, a Beautiful Life

November 30, 2010

I can’t believe four simple minutes touched me so.  This may have had a greater emotional impact on me than watching the scary and sad scene in Bambi, when her mama… 😦

Amazing, I don’t know how I missed this when it first came out!

“”Up” begins with a romance as sweet and lovely as any I can recall in feature animation. Two children named Carl and Ellie meet and discover they share the same dream of someday being daring explorers. In newsreels, they see the exploits of a daring adventurer named Charles Muntz (Christopher Plummer), who uses his gigantic airship to explore a lost world on a plateau in Venezuela and bring back the bones of fantastic creatures previously unknown to man. When his discoveries were accused of being faked, he flies off enraged to South America again, vowing to bring back living creatures to prove his claims.

Nothing is heard from him for years. Ellie and Carl (Edward Asner) grow up, have a courtship, marry… It’s shown by [Paul] Docter in a lovely sequence, without dialogue, that deals with the life experience in a way that is almost never found in family animation… This interlude is poetic and touching.
-Roger Ebert

Sex is Bond

November 15, 2010

I’ve been trying to observe what I’ve felt and sensed as I go through this sexual awakening of the shrew called “marriage to a virgin.”

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I feel more hopelessly in love with my now husband than I have ever felt.  Euphoric love at Twilight-teen levels.  The sort of love where it almost hurts, I love him so much I would die if anything happened to him.

I want to be around my husband constantly.  I love to kiss him and touch him and smell him.  I hate to not be around him.  I think about him constantly.  I love everything about how he looks, acts, talks.

I love to make his morning coffee and bring it to him. I love the look on his face when he tastes something I’ve made and says it’s really good.  It makes me so, so happy to serve him, my own living deity, in this way.

How is it possible to feel this way about someone?  We’ve known each other close to 2 years now.  We never had sex until we got married.  Now we have it as much as possible.  Even though it still hurts to do so, and I find it hard to control my own body’s virgin defense shield that’s not completely destroyed yet.  Years and years of good girlism doesn’t go away overnight.

This love is pure addiction. It’s my passion cocaine, my attachment heroin.

I LOVEEEEE being married!!!!

November 9, 2010

It is a dream come true.  I can’t even explain.

OK so I’m sure anyone who bothers to read is wondering the big question…. what was it like to finally have SEX?

This is a long story, let’s just say… OUCH.  Big OUCH. OUCH. OUCH. OUCH.  Oooh… OUCH.  Oooohh…ouch…ooooh…nohh please more…ooohoucheeeeeee….

It took a while… actually we still can’t do certain positions because I clamp up.  It’s still way too tight, which is weird to me because I’m not young!  But maybe it never stretched out and stuff and just got harder over time?   He says it will loosen over time, I’m like um I hope not?!?! Hehe… but yeah a little bit would be fine so I’m not like crying when it first goes in.

 

But it’s very fun to try again and again… especially when we were first trying it out… like 5-6 times a day hehehe… I think we both got sore during the honeymoon though, we had to take a break of a day which didn’t work so great at first until it got really bad… so then we just waited a bit heheh.

It was also funny how the first night together, I wanted something special of course, the best hotel and best champagne and all that OF COURSE… been waiting a lifetime!  And then it was like huh I don’t get it where does it go exactly?  And I’m trying to loosen up I’m trying!  And then him practically breaking his d*** jamming it in loll….and me screaming when it started to rip up or something in there (I’m not quite sure what happened, it was like solidly closed which I didn’t get because obviously I have my monthly cycle when stuff comes out of there)…

Oh and I started birth control because he insisted.  AWKWARD to get the prescription… being Indian and on a tight schedule before honeymoon of course I went to a doctor friend… avoided doing that, but with stupid health insurance drama in the US, there was no way to get an appointment and pay the stupid co-insurance pay blah blah…

So I had major misgiving about doing BC. I still do.  I feel it’s unnatural, I’m so worried about what hormones will do to me, how it will affect my fertility (hellooo!!!)… and all that stuff I’ve read on Roissy and other places about BC messing people up… but the mister really wanted me to do it, insisted it’s fine so what could I do?

Any way that’s it for now… it’s been sooooooo wonderful learning to be a good wifey for my husband. 🙂  I love him sooo much, more than my life… he’s the awesomest.  And what’s funny is all our petty little fights and stupid disagreements fell away once we actually started being together frequently… in person we have no problems with anything, with anything!  He makes the decisions, sometimes asks for my input depending… and that’s that.

OK see y’all later… PS I love Roissy’s post today about the pimpette, ahahahahahaha…. loveee it.

Giveaway Times… Free GirlGame genre books and tapes!!

August 27, 2010

Yep by tapes I mean the old school ones… that’s all the Rules Grandmas sold.

Now that I’m getting married and have graduated a bit in the love arts… I’m giving away many of my old GirlGame genre books!

For FREE!

The first person to guest my favorite post on this blog since its inception will get a package of these books.  Don’t worry, just books, no cooties 😉

Whether to laugh or to learn, the winner will get gems like:

  • The Rules collection (be a part of history and own these books and live seminar tapes!)
  • Mars and Venus on a Date
  • It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by the “He’s Just Not That Into You Guy”
  • Love Smart by Dr. Phil
  • And more…

List your guess in the comments and make sure to fill out the mandatory e-mail address link.  I will select a winner pretty much as soon as I see someone guessed right, and will e-mail that person along with putting a note here.

This contest applies to anywhere in the world… although fingers crossed, the winner won’t be in Antarctica or North Korea, etc.!  (This means all you foreign people, step up the game :-))

All I ask is if by some mistake I left something that can trace those books back to me… please keep the ish private 😉

________________________________________________________________________________

This post also serves as a teeny update on my last post.

I tried so many times to use my smartphone to write a comment response in the Anger or Abuse post, to vain… as it would never go through.

Thank you to everyone who gave their input.  I really took the time to think over your words, and especially about how I influenced the frame that allowed these types of things to happen.  I have to realize that it’s all about the frame.

Yes, he did such mean things as said I was acting like a b*tch when I got upset that a relative of his would have to crash with us after marriage.  I was more emotional than necessary, but you see… a close relative had died less than a week before.  And I had a housing emergency.  And I was stressed out.

And he did yell at me repeatedly and threaten to abandon me multiple times if I didn’t follow his way.  OK.

But if 90% is good, is that OK?  I think so.

Any way… things are on the up and up. I’m choosing to bear and carry forward.  I don’t like having to feel like the primary breadwinner, but hey… anyone can lose their job in this economy, right?   Especially the higher up you go, the higher the stakes are 😉

Abuse or anger?

August 14, 2010

Something I’ve experienced a few times already in engagements is what some people call abuse.

Knowing the feminist lens through which people view male-female interaction in the West, I know better than to take the word “abuse” at face value.

What is abusive behavior though?  This is what people have told me a former fiance, and now my current one, have done to be “abusive” toward me:

  • Displaying extreme anger via shouting, cuss words (which I don’t use nor do I like), and Mel Gibson-style storming around
  • Blaming me for things out of my control (e.g., things my parents or friends do)
  • Insulting me in terms of how I look, my age
  • Making threats of leaving the relationship if I don’t change

I don’t see the above necessarily as abuse.  I think it’s more a personality thing.

Or someone trying to coerce someone into doing something when they haven’t been successful through reason and other means.

Or someone not quite sure why they want out of the situation so instead creating a smokescreen of anger about some perceived “big issue.”

It’s interesting.  Hearing the Mel Gibson tapes, I would say he was very threatening at parts – it was the fact that he referred to physical violence so explicitly that made think yeah, he went too far.

But in my case?  Not so sure.

I just know that I am so over it – male anger, that is.  I’ve gone through it before, it was one of the factors in the dissolution of an engagement… and it also is good because it shows you a person’s value system from a perspective you may not always experience.

So let’s see if this engagement of mine dissolves as well.. *sigh* It’s about to become a recurring joke.  I think because I’ve been engaged so many times, I’m kind of blase if another one bites the dust. Story of my life really.

And I’ve had so many misgiving about the provider side of the person I’m to marry, it’s even easier for me to accept that ending things would be OK.  Sure, it might take me a precious year (of youth) to get over the tears and baggage, I have my moments of intense longing. But it’s nothing that time, reflection, meditation, acceptance, prayer, and self-improvement wouldn’t heal at some point.

I put this situation in God’s hands; He may do as he sees fit, and let its destiny unfold as it should.

High School Boys Think My Fiance is Freaking Cool

August 7, 2010

It’s hard to write about how the wedding process is going because life feels like it changes on a daily basis.

Lately I’ve started worrying more that my fiance is not into me or something.  Quite a change from my earlier worries about him, no?  *sigh* So it goes in the high stakes world of putting on a mega wedding  (not my idea at all, I still prefer to elope in a beautifully stunning bridal outfit with sexy boudouir lingerie underneath … big wedding is to satisfy my parents’ social obligations to their network… it’s an Indian thing).

In addition to worrying that my fiance doesn’t like that me as much, that I’m not hot enough and that his friends don’t drool enough at me compared to his exes… I’m also worried that my fiance’s confidence has been rattled by his recent difficulties.

Just last weekend he got two random girls in the street to appear on camera with him (for a legit purpose). Some high school boys with us just looked at him in awe… it’s kind of funny.  Before that they loved hearing him “neg” me in front of them about how I talk too much, how my b*tt is a weapon, etc.  Silly little boys 🙂

About those 2 girls off the street though that he basically charmed into getting them to appear on camera… he got those 2 girls to participate but only after showing some hesitation about asking. This is something new… usually there is little to no hesitation, he used to be quite caveman in that regard.

Is he getting domesticated? Is being around me and my sweet and shy nature making him calm down his act? I thought this, but after reflecting on some other conversations with him…

He’s doubting himself. His missteps have made him felt he shouldn’t just go with his instincts any more.  His high-risk high-reward strategy of winner take all has been shaken.

I guess he’s more sensitive to any semblance of rejection and/or failure. In fact, I think he’s reading “rejection” into some different things now.


And so it all goes on…

An update on his situation: I’ve seen with my own hands how he’s investing major moolah into resolving the issue. He’s pulling together a team of the best of the best… although when you’re working with people at that level, they sort of choose YOU more than you choose them.

More and more expenses… but it’s OK I guess. Money is a replenishable resource… time is not, particularly quality time that we have forging our future together.

And it all goes to poodles…

July 22, 2010

I feel an overwhelming sense of life’s eternal suckage right now.

I just feel so angry all the time… am I getting into bitter territory?

What is making me so mad?  Stupid frigging wedding planning.

But shouldn’t it be the joy of my life?  To prepare of the day when I can be with my man forever?

This makes me feel bad and guilty.

But I have to be honest with myself in order to find peace.

  • I hate the drama that comes from my parents, his parents, and disappointingly, him
  • I hate feeling pressured to do things in a way I don’t like
  • Although I am happy that in the end, some of my decisions did win out (despite others not supporting them even now!)
  • Yet it makes me mad that we have a budget.  Yup, there I said it.  I never imagined that I would have to worry about money when getting married.  And here we are, even with a smallish wedding, freaking out over how limited my options are.

I think that’s it really.  Something inside absolutely infuriates me right now that I have to worry about money.  The whole world has to worry about money… the whole world has to manage their cash flow… so many rich people have to declare bankruptcy, and they have so much more to work with!

Yet it makes me so anger and yes, even a little bitter at life that despite my not being a big spender, I have to worry about money.

A little over year ago I was able to buy a very high end handbag.  It was a splurge, but I could afford it because I manage my money fine.  I could go on all sorts of trips to see friends or places I’ve wanted to visit, I could eat in any restaurant, I could go buy a fancy dress or do a spa day, or get personal training to look better and hotter.

Now I’m so angry that such things are out of reach.  I just can’t spend like that.  Not my own money, not the shared money.

I only have myself to blame for this, and I feel so incredibly guilty about it too.  (I even wonder if I should post this, but where else can I turn?  Plus the people who this might hurt don’t even read so it’s OK.  And I don’t care if they do really, maybe something would come out of it I can’t bring myself to take action on yet.)

Why does it bother me so much that I have money concerns?  It’s not like I’m in horrible debt or anything.

But I DETEST the idea that I am so limited in my options due to money. I hate the idea.  I never in my life planned to get married and have to worry so much about money and borrowing and running out.

And about selling expensive fancy cars (that were so great to be driven around in).  That makes me so mad.  It’s like I was showered with a particular lifestyle, and now that I’ve been locked down, it’s being taken away.  It’s almost like I was shown a completely false view of the situation.  And I’ve been supportive while old lingering issues are resolved, but they were supposed to have been resolved months and months ago.  And they aren’t.

And yes he has tried to resolve them, but the fact remains he hasn’t.  Fine, often because of matters out of his control (I still feel like not enough was done out of ego really… and I see people in similar situations who have done so much more out of it creatively, but of course I can’t be rude and masc-y and suggest that hey, look what this other person is doing).  And again, like before when he ran into those stumbling blocks, his attitude bothered me.  It was a defeatist attitude.  It would usually pass after a week or two of processing.  But it was there.  Hate it.

I’d almost rather not know about his problems.  Which I guess isn’t being a supportive partner.  But I don’t want to know.  The respect goes down, sorry it does.  I don’t care how many tingles are activated otherwise.  It’s overshadowed at those moments, quite strongly.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a particularly lifestyle for myself.  I don’t care if I’m judged.

I’ve tried to think spiritually:  maybe these times are to help me build character.

Maybe these times are to teach me lessons about humility, patience, and simplicity.

It’s so hard though.  Regular religious study is not helping.  Maybe I need to do more intense things.

I guess some piece of baggage in my psyche feels so sad and disappointed.  I’m very flexible and open-minded (well I try to be), but it feels more and more like my life is not turning out the way I imagined.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Oh well.  If my fate is to be poor rather than rich, I guess it’s in God’s will.  He doesn’t want me to have the lifestyle I’ve dreamed of.  He wants to punish me.  He wants to teach me a lesson.  He wants me to be unhappy.

So I’ll end by saying I leave it all in the hands of God.  If God wants me to add stress (and aging!) to my life by worry about money constantly, and constantly feeling like there isn’t enough, and feeling ashamed and embarassed that we can’t spend money like others can… so be it.

People will just think I’m the idiot for having made the choices I have, and that’s fine.  They might be right.  Maybe some of my girlfriends will have pity  on me, and they’ll use their big purses to help a girl out the next time there’s a big fancy vacation or shopping expedition (some of their guys def have the money to spare).

Is it better to be utterly completely alone for your whole entire life yet able to have parts of the lifestyle you want, or have togetherness but worry about money all the time because you want to be traditional and not work much and let him lead?  (I’m not in denial dreaming of what else OK… market value will have dropped off the cliff by the time I regain my bearings… it takes years and with my personal choices about virginity, it’s a 1 in a bazillion chance)

I pray to God to just give me the inner peace to live with this.  That’s all I need.  It’s so hard to let it go, when all around you everyone else has no money problems. 😦

From my unconsciousness came this song…

May 27, 2010

A few weeks ago I woke up hearing the Alvin & the Chipmunks sounding refrain in this song… couldn’t figure out where I had heard it or whence it came from.

Flash forward, I hear the song again, it doesn’t register.  Then I find myself mentally singing in my sillier and more hyper moments… that refrain.

Well now I know where that came from… not a commercial, not a friend’s funny impression.  🙂

I don’t know how this song got embedded into my unconsciousness, but it made me wonder what else gets embedded into my unconsciousness, without my awareness of it.

It’s not deep or artistic really (unless you count a mash up of beats and various influences to be pop art)… but I looooveeee the beat.  Who can sit still hearing it!

Song of the weekend…past and coming 🙂