And it all goes to poodles…

July 22, 2010

I feel an overwhelming sense of life’s eternal suckage right now.

I just feel so angry all the time… am I getting into bitter territory?

What is making me so mad?  Stupid frigging wedding planning.

But shouldn’t it be the joy of my life?  To prepare of the day when I can be with my man forever?

This makes me feel bad and guilty.

But I have to be honest with myself in order to find peace.

  • I hate the drama that comes from my parents, his parents, and disappointingly, him
  • I hate feeling pressured to do things in a way I don’t like
  • Although I am happy that in the end, some of my decisions did win out (despite others not supporting them even now!)
  • Yet it makes me mad that we have a budget.  Yup, there I said it.  I never imagined that I would have to worry about money when getting married.  And here we are, even with a smallish wedding, freaking out over how limited my options are.

I think that’s it really.  Something inside absolutely infuriates me right now that I have to worry about money.  The whole world has to worry about money… the whole world has to manage their cash flow… so many rich people have to declare bankruptcy, and they have so much more to work with!

Yet it makes me so anger and yes, even a little bitter at life that despite my not being a big spender, I have to worry about money.

A little over year ago I was able to buy a very high end handbag.  It was a splurge, but I could afford it because I manage my money fine.  I could go on all sorts of trips to see friends or places I’ve wanted to visit, I could eat in any restaurant, I could go buy a fancy dress or do a spa day, or get personal training to look better and hotter.

Now I’m so angry that such things are out of reach.  I just can’t spend like that.  Not my own money, not the shared money.

I only have myself to blame for this, and I feel so incredibly guilty about it too.  (I even wonder if I should post this, but where else can I turn?  Plus the people who this might hurt don’t even read so it’s OK.  And I don’t care if they do really, maybe something would come out of it I can’t bring myself to take action on yet.)

Why does it bother me so much that I have money concerns?  It’s not like I’m in horrible debt or anything.

But I DETEST the idea that I am so limited in my options due to money. I hate the idea.  I never in my life planned to get married and have to worry so much about money and borrowing and running out.

And about selling expensive fancy cars (that were so great to be driven around in).  That makes me so mad.  It’s like I was showered with a particular lifestyle, and now that I’ve been locked down, it’s being taken away.  It’s almost like I was shown a completely false view of the situation.  And I’ve been supportive while old lingering issues are resolved, but they were supposed to have been resolved months and months ago.  And they aren’t.

And yes he has tried to resolve them, but the fact remains he hasn’t.  Fine, often because of matters out of his control (I still feel like not enough was done out of ego really… and I see people in similar situations who have done so much more out of it creatively, but of course I can’t be rude and masc-y and suggest that hey, look what this other person is doing).  And again, like before when he ran into those stumbling blocks, his attitude bothered me.  It was a defeatist attitude.  It would usually pass after a week or two of processing.  But it was there.  Hate it.

I’d almost rather not know about his problems.  Which I guess isn’t being a supportive partner.  But I don’t want to know.  The respect goes down, sorry it does.  I don’t care how many tingles are activated otherwise.  It’s overshadowed at those moments, quite strongly.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a particularly lifestyle for myself.  I don’t care if I’m judged.

I’ve tried to think spiritually:  maybe these times are to help me build character.

Maybe these times are to teach me lessons about humility, patience, and simplicity.

It’s so hard though.  Regular religious study is not helping.  Maybe I need to do more intense things.

I guess some piece of baggage in my psyche feels so sad and disappointed.  I’m very flexible and open-minded (well I try to be), but it feels more and more like my life is not turning out the way I imagined.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Oh well.  If my fate is to be poor rather than rich, I guess it’s in God’s will.  He doesn’t want me to have the lifestyle I’ve dreamed of.  He wants to punish me.  He wants to teach me a lesson.  He wants me to be unhappy.

So I’ll end by saying I leave it all in the hands of God.  If God wants me to add stress (and aging!) to my life by worry about money constantly, and constantly feeling like there isn’t enough, and feeling ashamed and embarassed that we can’t spend money like others can… so be it.

People will just think I’m the idiot for having made the choices I have, and that’s fine.  They might be right.  Maybe some of my girlfriends will have pity  on me, and they’ll use their big purses to help a girl out the next time there’s a big fancy vacation or shopping expedition (some of their guys def have the money to spare).

Is it better to be utterly completely alone for your whole entire life yet able to have parts of the lifestyle you want, or have togetherness but worry about money all the time because you want to be traditional and not work much and let him lead?  (I’m not in denial dreaming of what else OK… market value will have dropped off the cliff by the time I regain my bearings… it takes years and with my personal choices about virginity, it’s a 1 in a bazillion chance)

I pray to God to just give me the inner peace to live with this.  That’s all I need.  It’s so hard to let it go, when all around you everyone else has no money problems. 😦

When the New Girl is Not an Upgrade

July 5, 2010

On a rare Sunday night out owing to the 4th of July holiday…

Girl:  That chick hates me.

LSB:  Oh no… why?

Girl:  She’s dating with my ex.

LSB:  Aw, well being uncomfortable is understandable.  Is she really b*tchy to you?

Girl:  Yeah.  When I first met her she just walked away. Later I tried to buy her a drink and she flat out said no and showed me her back.

LSB:  Wow, that’s unnecessary.  Does she feel threatened or something?

Girl:  No!  I haven’t talked to him directly in 2 years, when we broke up basically.  I started going out with him when I was 16… 16! It wasn’t that serious.

LSB:  Wait, how old are you woman??

Girl:  Haha… we went out for 7 years.  And I have a new boyfriend now! I just want to things to be cool, you know?

LSB:  Wow that is a while… AND you’ve obviously moved on… she is acting so weird.  You don’t have to be best buds, but at least be civil.

Girl:  I know.

LSB:  Mm… this is going to sound very ‘narky… but I wonder if she’s intimidated by you.

Girl:  What do you mean?

LSB:  I hate sounding b*tchy, but I like to be real.  I mean, let’s all just be real.  Guys judge girls on how they look and stuff.  And well…. you are WAY WAY prettier and hotter than her.

Girl:  OMG you are sooo sweet!  Thank you!

LSB:  Sure!  I’m just telling it like I see it…you are better than her!  She might not admit it openly, but it’s obvious.

The Girl was about a size 2, tall with long legs, long pretty hair, and was dressed in a hot off the shoulder dress.  Wide expressive eyes and delicate features, accentuated by light make-up.

The New Girl was probably a size 9, short and squat, with shoulder-length hair that looked like it was cut by a hedge clipper.  Dressed in bootcut jeans and a halter top that showed off her fat arms, tummy rolls, and b00by-flaps.  Bushy eyebrows that probably haven’t met Mr. Tweezer, Wax, or Thread before.

A Rare Fight… and the Response

July 3, 2010

She’s flustered.  He seems to be blaming her for everything.  First the critique of her looks, then the jokes about her domestic abilities, and then the criticism of her maturity level.

She can’t take it any more and shuts down.  She decides to ignore her phone; “Leave me alone world!”

Normally, they speak at least once a day, usually twice.

Him:  Are you ignoring me?  It’s annoying as hell.

Her:  Can I just have a one day break please?  Too afraid of what you’re going to say.

Him:  No break.  I’m calling you in an hour.

Dayum.

Note:  LSB = Her.

Bachelorette Games… and the Truth

June 27, 2010

 While everyone joined in bachelorette games…

1. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST SEXUAL DEALBREAKER IN A MAN?

Sample answers given:

Bad breath
Short stature
Bad kisser
Too fast
Ineffective hands
Fat and ugly 
LSB’s answer:  Not confident and not passionate (commentary from the girls:  “SO TRUE” “That’s exactly my problem right now” “That’s a good one”)

Isn’t that interesting?  Apparently women out there struggle with men showing strong “passion” – what I meant by this was, forcefulness and taking charge.  I’m guessing it’s more an issue with the *right* men showing acting more manly and dominant – that’s what confidence often is, right?

 2. Discussing the transition to marriage vs. being in a relationship

Cackling butterface girl (hot body, not so hot face, Rosie O’Donnell b*tched up personality):  “I’ve been telling my husband he should do [side money-making activity] on the weekends.  He always complains about being bored on the weekends, so I told him he should do that and make more money.  He’s so dense sometimes.  HA HA HA.”

LSB thinks, “Oh my goodness, I’m seeing a living and breathing example of what not to do.”

3. Conversation about whose “halves” had checked in

“He’s so trying to tempt me to call him… he just texted saying he did [fun shared activity].”

“When I left my husband didn’t even push me to tell him about our plans.  That’s so annoying!  He should be worried right?  I guess he knows I’ll end up telling him everything anyway. 🙂 ”

“I still have no idea what happened during the bachelor party.  All my boyfriend said was that he can’t tell me anything about Friday and Saturday.  So all I know is they went golfing on Sunday.”  Replies confirming that no one else knows anything about the wild Vegas party except for golfing on Sunday either. 

 

From my unconsciousness came this song…

May 27, 2010

A few weeks ago I woke up hearing the Alvin & the Chipmunks sounding refrain in this song… couldn’t figure out where I had heard it or whence it came from.

Flash forward, I hear the song again, it doesn’t register.  Then I find myself mentally singing in my sillier and more hyper moments… that refrain.

Well now I know where that came from… not a commercial, not a friend’s funny impression.  🙂

I don’t know how this song got embedded into my unconsciousness, but it made me wonder what else gets embedded into my unconsciousness, without my awareness of it.

It’s not deep or artistic really (unless you count a mash up of beats and various influences to be pop art)… but I looooveeee the beat.  Who can sit still hearing it!

Song of the weekend…past and coming 🙂

Girl Tips from Boy Game: The Social Proposal

May 19, 2010

A post over at Roissy’s (“Second Thoughts“) was about how a particular girl announced her recent proposal on Facebook.  The picture and her caption are particularly illustrating.

The commentary on the post ended up giving me an interesting comparison point – how did I “measure up” when I was proposed to?  Have I rid myself of most unfeminine tendencies or do some still linger?

Skimming the comments, I picked out a few that indicated what was “wrong” with what this girl did, and what would’ve been “right” (which I apparently did do :-)):

Mm….looks like I might’ve passed the test back when my proposal came (listing this out for the ladies who read to learn like me)

Omega Man
“The picture should be a cute shot of the two cuddling joyfully just after the proposal.”
Check…yay

Tarl
“I might be more worried if she said nothing about it. If she says nothing, is she not really committed to the idea?”
Check… cool. Thought I was being douchette… but I didn’t want to have to call 134,098 people to share the news when the interwebs can do that for me!

EastPole
“With her reaction being ‘FUN!’, as opposed to “I’m in love!”, or “I’m marrying the best guy ever!”
Check… for the latter type of phrase of course :-) (“Luckiest girl in the universe!!” etc.)

Yay. 🙂
***The way I put up information on my proposal (and love status in general) on social networks isn’t some sort of deliberate attempt at “GirlGame” by the way.***

I don’t try “seem like” a perfect paragon of female love, devotion and sensuality. I try to be a perfect paragon of female love, devotion and sensuality.

Because I’ve worked to balance my feminine instincts and all that is good about girlhood – and am maybe 75% or more good at being fully girly – my natural response seemed to be the “right” one.

Also, the Guy is a pretty good combo. of retired Alpha/character and LTR-minded Alpha/low Alpha/higher Beta/Beta with some Game/etc.

So my passion and feelings for him arise naturally. (In my life I have never had an easier time relating to someone… while never having a harder time controlling myself with someone too, ahahah.)

But… His Temporary Beta-ization  Immediately Post-Proposal
On Roissy’s post about advice to girls, I mentioned an interesting effect that happened post-proposal for me.  It was a surprising validation of what a lot of these Game guys talk about.

Right after the proposal, my hubby-to-be got kind of mushy and emotional talking about how he knew I was the one, he wants to spend his life with me, etc.
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“You’re Not Going to Want Me When I Look Like a Grandmother”

May 10, 2010

Which teen flick is this from?  Hint:  this was the most popular movie with women from tweenies to grammies last year, in my opinion.

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The Danger of Clinging to a Pretty Existence

May 9, 2010

They say that girls who are accustomed to the power that pretty brings feel the maturation process hardest.

I’ve definitely seen this with mi madre.  She was stunning, a rare beauty by Indian standards on account of her coloring especially (pics intentionally super blurry and dark).  I hope I’m not making a huge mistake here lol (I hope no comments of “OMG ___ aunty looks so young here!  So ___ why didn’t you tell me you have a blog, you never put that on FB.”):

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Wise Comment About How the Value a Woman Brings Absolutely Must Change Over Time (a.k.a. We Care For Warm Loving DIGNIFIED GMa’s, Wrinkly Smile and All)

May 6, 2010

I’m around, just reading a lot more than writing.  Hopefully some of the ideas in my mind will ripen into creative juice soon.

A quote I think all girls should listen to and consider as they evolve throughout life, this one has gotten LOTS of kudos (emphasis in bold and underline mine):

dragnet

“Women also pay for their mistakes — just later…Girls grow old, childless and unneeded by anyone. Listened to those fertility clinic ads on the radio. The fiat bankers lie to the girls too.”

True of course, but it’s worth pointing out how incredibly hard our society has worked to make it seem as if these consequences are either desirable or completely immaterial. We don’t teach women to cultivate the power of feminine dignity, because we’ve decided to attempt to give them lifelong sexual power by celebrating cougardom and botox addiction. We don’t teach women the value of family, because we celebrate women who are too “independent” for children while at the same time encouraging single motherhood and consequently, the notion that men & fathers are disposable. The truth is that we’ve gone out of our way to shield women from the long-term consequences of their poor decisionmaking as much as we’ve done to shield them from short-term consequences. We haven’t worked one-tenth as hard to do the same for young men.

The mark of a truly adroit chessplayer isn’t necessarily his ability to calculate variations 20 moves deep, or anticipate and thwart any plan of his opponent—but his ability to preserve and press hard won advantages and convert them among various forms as dictated by the demands of the position. The brilliant chessplayer doesn’t just nuture a material advantage—he converts it to a positional edge, and then a mating attack. More young women need to learn this lesson. You don’t keep your physical beauty forever…but if you can transition and evolve then you don’t have to.

This is the lesson of our grandmothers. My grandmother was an absolutely stunning woman. But long after her looks & sexual power had faded, she managed to keep her husband in thrall to her because she had spent her younger years cultivating the tools she would need long after she was no longer able to cause traffic accidents by just getting up in the morning. In doing so, she extended her power over her husband in a way these aging hags rushing to get plastic surgery could only dream of.

If you make good choices, if you cultivate your personality and learn to value the love of a good man, if you can learn to take your triumphs, defeats, and uncertainies with dignity then you will be less heavily invested in the fleeting sexual power of your youth and able to transition into some more lasting, worthy, and dare I say, beautiful when the time comes.

And for women, that time usually begins around 35 or so—whether or not they want to believe it.

I am so happy :-)

April 21, 2010

I said that to the Guy the other night. It just came into my head how happy I am… Despite some things in life being such messes.

Like they say in the Blind Side… I feel like he has my back. And I have his. And we have fun and are just real together. 🙂

I am quite blessed for moments like these.